My not exactly passive, and maybe a little aggressive, LinkedIn Profile

Every single job I have applied for lately is the same thing over and over again. I apply for an assistant manager position. I get called in for the interview. I then discover, with Family Dollar for example, that, for $8.75 an hour, I must do the following:

  • Drive to and from the bank to make deposits…I will NOT be compensated for this in any way. The additional wear and tear I put on my personal vehicle for doing company business is apparently not their problem. If, at any time, my excessively low salary combined with additional wear on my vehicle causes me to be without a vehicle, I lose the position.
  • Be on call 24/7, to come in and take care of emergencies at the store, or to cover shifts other low wage employees have just given up on. Since they are being paid less that my prestigious Assistant’s salary, and are only getting part time, I don’t blame them.
  • Buy the required uniform myself.
  • Sign a contract stating that even though I will not be making enough to make ends meet, I will agree not get a second job.

For less than $9 an hour, for more than 40 hours a week. Making this all even sadder….this is my best offer so far.

So, in protest of how 20 years of customer service experience is rewarded in the front-line retail sales industry, I updated my LinkedIn profile. This is my half-assed protest against the status quo, I will never be hired with a resume like this. But at least I had fun. Here’s a sample…

Summary:

Extensive customer service and sales skills.

I’m very friendly and can learn how to do anything. I’m not afraid of work, as long as you aren’t afraid to pay me. 

I have an extensive skill set that it completely pointless to list here since my work experience is already listed. My abilities grow as my pay rate grows. If you aren’t willing to pay me for it, I’m not doing it. 

If you want me to use my own vehicle for your business, you are paying for it. And not just part of it either, every second and every drop of gas. 

If you are offering me less than at least $11 an hour, 40 hours a week, don’t bother. If the job, at any point, involves me cleaning even a single toilet, even once, I start at $12 an hour.

Men, women, and children were shot, bombed, and burned alive to make sure that I only have to give you 8 hours of my time a day, five days a week. I do not plan to waste that sacrifice.

My work always comes second. My family comes first since they are the reason I’m going to work in the first place. Work is not my family. Work will never be my family. Nothing you can offer me is worth more to me than my family.

I won’t take a drug test because you only get to dictate what I do with my time when you are paying for it. You get 8, the other 16 are mine. 

I do nothing off the clock. Ever! I won’t check that thing as I’m leaving. I won’t grab that trash on my way out. I won’t clean up a spill in your store when I’m just there to shop. Hell, I won’t even tell you it’s there if you haven’t paid me to do so. Since you give me nothing for free, you will get nothing for free.

I don’t work “flexible” schedules. I work from this hour to that hour, from this day to that day, with two days off in a row. No exceptions. Same days, same times, every time. If your company doesn’t work like that, I don’t want to work for you.

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About pynomrah

I like stuff, and things.
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